Mad at the World

Okay, now, I'm really mad at the world.

I said something on my blog, and my aunt was really nice to me.  So was my brother, since I watched Ellen DeGeneres her 9th season.

So, anyway, my aunt was really nice, and it was really neat.  However, we lost the streak and she can't get back.  I think she doesn't want to see my face.  I was just talking, maybe I sent it to her.  So, now, I feel haunted by her.

I've also had periods where I can jog or walk a lot but now don't feel like it.  I went a week on hamburgers that weren't very good.  I was supposed to go shopping or ask for food but didn't know.  I just don't feel comfortable going to the grocery.

What do you think of people who really don't make sense?  I hate people mixed with like dark and light.

I'm not sure if I'm even on a topic.

I got the feeling Ellen DeGeneres is partial to the younger members of a family, like it's a dream.  However, it's the parents's job.  I was let off without much a reputation but reveled in helping my brother at school in Pre-K.  I wanted to be a teacher of whatever grade he was in but probably had other desires.

I'm guessing Ellen thinks that copying what someone else does makes her fit in, but it seems she's forced to live in her environment.  I guess I'm wondering if she's cutting herself off from the world or trying to like control it.

It seems anyone who is nice to me who is really attractive gets in trouble.

R E S P E C T

I wish people would be civil to me.  If they have a problem, they should not go behind my back and then be mean to me and shock me, as though I have reason to be attacked and feel guilty and different from everyone else.  They have a problem with a mistake I supposedly made not with something I can change like a habit.  They are totally like killing me, just because I'm mixed race.

STOP

I'm hearing weird noises.

Problem

People are acting like I'm clingy and worthless.

STOP

I just got a certain e-mail!

STOP

I'm getting suggesting messages and supposed things connected to my dad that are special and these things won't stop and I want it all written down for the world to pick at.

Felt a Stoppage When Cursing

The curse words surged in when I woke up because I was so worried, I went zany, but they didn't quite reach the top of my brain.  There was nothing there.  Of course, I didn't want to, but I did quite a bit and have been having quite a fascination with one in a funny way.  I'm not cursing now but probably will later.  I hope bad things stop happening.

Speaking to Me

Why are people acting like it isn't okay to speak to me?  I mean, who speaks to me inappropriately?

Identifying With Others Culturally

I wanted to move to L.A., like Tim Burton.  I mean, he has dark hair and is up for a worthy cause.  It seems his point is to say dark hair is bad and he has it for a reason and he's just there to advertise Helena Bonham Carter and his daughter.

I guess living in the New Orleans area sorta gave me an interesting experience.  I struggle to know about my fate and some of my decisions.  It was like I wasn't supposed to go to college after being such a good and rather active student.  I've always been considered well-behaved and hard-working, though my schools weren't incredibly hard nor like convenient.  Like, we had busywork and boring work, I'd say.  Well, it wasn't as bad as you'd imagine, but in a way it was that caliber.  The 2 states I am from have the worst schools in the nation, so it's interesting culturally|socially, just not in the area I'm from exactly.  I don't really know "what" people are busy doing in school.

Well, I don't know who I'm interested in.  A lot of stars have fallen to the graces of Johnny Depp.  I'm sure there are a lot of cute guys out in the world.

Do you think Ellen DeGeneres is just trying to be popular?  I don't know what the big fuss is.  Ever since I did badly in college because I thought it was an experiment, my life, I've been beat a lot.  Then, the n word thing happened, and my options in the world somehow closed.  It happened overnight.  Well, she has blonde hair.  She isn't really shy.  I don't know why people get mixed emotions about me.  Would you say she's bold around people her age?  I don't know why I've been taken out of "the" picture.  I was treated differently at different times and especially after going to the mental hospital at 16.  So, people are just inappropriately shoving me into other people's faces, making fun of me, like I'm an animal and not a human being, anymore.  I think it's because of that thing when I was 11, the not writing my cousin, the thinking perverted thoughts, not feeling as good when my brother was born, and maybe feeling racism as a young child, but like in secret and never openly discussed except when the time came and it was something that claimed they were in their place with me.  So, I can't hide.  The reason I keep up with this stuff is because it's good to.  People are trying to play with me and tell me different things to do.  I mean, Tim Burton isn't that famous, and Ellen DeGeneres isn't that discussed.  You could be the 1st big famous person of the times.  I know I was just denied, but I'm not sure how I'd go nor if I'd ruin things, at all, hopefully not too much, if I became a model or something or got in some movies, maybe even some more major roles, like you know at least speaking roles that come back, though it'd be nice to be well-respected as a participant in the business if you're going to be in it and want to perform in things like what they have in movies and for world access.  It would be nice to file it online.  Being featured to the world in a movie would be a fun thing to have happen, as well...  So, a long time ago, I guess I would have discovered more under the radar artists|entertainers and could have posted about it online since I was a teen.  I mean, I've seen a lot of movies, but not much is happening, anymore, since Johnny Depp.  I mean, people think "that's it."

Problem

What is Tim Burton's problem?  He doesn't seem to let things go.  He also doesn't solve them right.

Problem

The dirty messages won't stop.  I'm inclined to believe they are made with freedom.

Problem

Why should we care about Tim Burton's daughter?  Why is it always about how bad I am?  I saw her mom want me to call her the n word.

Also, don't get me caught up in others's flaws.  Oh, but it's not a flaw, just a difference you'll have to accept with other people.  You don't seem to force the same things on everyone.  I think I would have succeeded given a fair opportunity.

Problem

My aunt gave me the sheet music to songs I learned my 1st lesson in advance.  I didn't feel like talking to the piano teacher out of turn.  I used to be a good memorizer but became tired of it.

Problem

I couldn't remember to write my cousin because she was younger and used neat stationary.  I don't know how old I was.  I thought I was a young kid but not very young.

So, I stopped gymnastics to look for a ballet school when we moved, but we couldn't find any.  My mom said gymnastics was too expensive but wanted me to do it a year later.

She said I had to do an activity, but I was happy.  I went to a special school for art and changed to piano.  We moved, and I got a piano and became disinterested.

Problem

Did you ever consider you are the result of your opportunities?

Problem

So, I did poorly in school after Johnny Depp, but it's the teacher's fault and the school's fault I didn't know I could|should withdraw.

People like him promise to be there for you, but then you find they make you get closer to your family when it makes you uncomfortable.  My relationship with my mom is different, but my relationship with my dad has gotten too private, or like personal.

Problem

I'm getting more interactions with my dad I don't like since Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, and Ellen DeGeneres.

Problem

So, the formula is, when I find a way out, I'm told to think bad thoughts.

Problem

I went to bed resolved not to say certain words, but 2 bad words, well 3, came to my mind.  I was resolved one was a joke, but only I can't joke around and that makes me really mad and I won't accept it.  I don't like to curse, neither.  I was really so mad, I couldn't stand it.  I mean, he just has to say something, huh?  It bothered me, though, and it's from watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and before following Tim Burton, etc.

STOP

I got some messages from my dad I didn't like.

I feel I've lost my connection with him.  I was joking around before about something, but I guess people weren't good enough for it.  I'm not sure why all this is happening.  I explained this is unnecessary.